Reading Breaking Dawn
by Brinicki
Summary: Poor Edward/Rob's reaction to reading Breaking Dawn. And his plan to stay as far away from the film adaptation as possible...


Robert Pattinson's POV:

Well, I've done it. I've put it off as long as possible, and it was definitely NOT worth waiting for: I've just finished _Breaking Dawn_. Now, I try to avoid discussing my true opinions about the _Twilight Saga_, because, it doesn't exactly put me in the best position with either the crazed fans of the books and films or the various people involved in the adaptive process. I have this distinct fear that if I say too much, Stephenie will come and make my life miserable – because let's face it, millions of teenage girls look upon this woman as second only to God. One wrong move, and my chance of a serious acting career could be seriously damaged by these people. I am not joking – they've practically formed a cult. Just one more film…oh, wait, NO, _two more films_.

I don't particularly relish playing a 17-year-old, controlling, stalkerish boyfriend at age 24. Nor do I care about the fans who are constantly telling me that I pale in comparison to certain shirtless "werewolves." I'm tired of the screaming hoards of girls surrounding me every time I have to go in public. The money is great, sure, and perhaps a romance is in the works with a certain co-star of mine (although I'll never let that get out one way or the other). But I could have dealt with this. I could have gotten through the films, fulfilled my contract and patiently waited for all the hype to die down before quietly fading into a more mundane existence, and better jobs, but for one thing: _Breaking_ WHAT ON EARTH? _Dawn. _

I've read plenty of plot descriptions of this book, and now that a film is definitely under way, I figured I would finally pick it up. I'm constantly plotting ways to liven Edward up a bit, but I've almost given up. My job is quite easy, actually: I have to be uptight, emotional, and masochistic. This doesn't involve a great range in vocal or facial expression, which is probably why I look bored in most of the takes I've seen. I suppose I was hoping for variety. I mean, Bella is finally a vampire, is she not? Edward should be a great deal happier and make less pained expressions, glower less, and finally stop wallowing in repressed pain.

Well, I suppose he was in some bits, but otherwise he seems to have taken a backseat. And that birth scene….oh my Lord, are they actually going to _film_ that? Is this _Rosemary's Baby_? I must say, I was hoping to be more than a supportive, indulgent husband - and apparently, an _abusive _husband as well. I'll have to bite into pillows and such to prevent myself from doing more than slightly injuring my on-screen wife! I have always privately concluded that this series defies normal logic and conventions, even for a fantasy series. How Edward even manages to father a child is still a mystery to me. But again, I can't say too much. I'm like Charlie, now – need to know.

Oh, who am I kidding? I can't do these films. If I looked ridiculous before, tolerated the endless hours of reciting awkward dialogues, and faced cameras every day, all the while feeling as though I was about to scream at any moment that enough is enough, I'll be subjecting myself to those feelings tenfold now. So I call the one person I can think of to help me, the only person who has to portray a character more pathetic than mine in this torturous series: Kristen.

"Hey," she says warily. I told her I was reading the book, and after calling to rant to her several times about its fallacies, she begged me to stop with the updates, at least until I was in a better mood. I promised, but she knows me too well.

"I finished it."

"And…?"

"Kris, if we get _any_ more jobs after doing this it'll be a miracle." She sighs impatiently.

"We're under contract Rob; you know that."

"Yeah…but say it's not just you and me. Say it's everybody: Taylor, Ashley, Kellan, Nikki, Peter, Jackson… the whole cast."

"Say it's everybody doing _what_?"

"Boycotting," I say simply. She remains quiet for a few minutes. I almost think she's hung up.

"You - you're crazy!" she sputters.

"It stands to reason," I explain slowly, "that they can't keep us all from working if we don't give them what they want. And trust me: none of us want to give them what they want."

"They'll just recast."

"Well, better some other guys than us, right?" She pauses again. I can tell she's thinking about what I'm saying – after all, she privately detests Bella as much as I detest Edward. We may not be able to take on Summit by ourselves, sure, but with the others…It could happen.

"Well, let's call them up," she says finally. I sigh with both relief and elation.

"I love you," I blurt out.

"I know," she says sweetly. We divide up the cast members among ourselves – luckily we have a sort of phone tree for spontaneous rehearsals and such, so it isn't difficult. We hang up and hone our skills of persuasion.

Not surprisingly, everyone is almost immediately behind the plan. I've heard there isn't much up-and-coming actors won't do for some screen time, but we've apparently all got a line drawn at vampire-human hybrids. Taylor practically cried with relief once I told him. He was not relishing pretending to adore what in all probability would turn out to be a creepy CGI baby, represented only by a stick or something. Plus he'll finally get to wear some shirts. Poor guy – he almost got hypothermia during that tent scene in _Eclipse, _human body warmer or not.

We're breaking the news to Stephenie tomorrow. I guess she's got a right to know first. Then I guess we'll lay low for a couple of months - you know, just in case people start burning down our houses or something. It's funny how none of this planning was necessary while I was working on _Harry Potter_. But I can't complain: what other series could I have worked on and gained the popularity and recognition I have obtained while reciting cheesy lines, pulling merely a half-dozen facial expressions, wearing collared coats and being painted with glitter at random intervals to remind everyone that I sparkle – yes, SPARKLE – in the sunlight? None.

Sorry, people, but _Breaking Dawn _simply does not deserve to be made into a film, let alone two. Let go of the madness while you still can!


End file.
